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Happy Valentine’s Day, From Us Guys


On this Valentine’s Day I will act as self-appointed unofficial spokesman for my gender. Not for my specifics, i.e. sardonic conservative writers closing in on 60. We’re a different stripe, But for the general category of dumb guys.

I say dumb guys because for the better part of the last week my fellow men have wandering around CVS Valentine’s Day candy sections like dumb beasts, trying to make a decision. They have also been perusing neighborhood liquor stores, all the best neighborhoods have them, buying horribly sweet sparkling wine under the misapprehension that any female worth the bubbly wants it to taste like taffy. Wrong. Proper females want it extra brut.

These men are doing this in well-meaning befuddlement because when it comes to women men think primarily with our simple dinosaur brains. I mean that most men see a woman and make an immediate snap judgment on whether or not he desires a physical romantic entanglement with the woman and she will be treated accordingly. That’s why attractive women, which is by nature subjective, have an absurd advantage over the average male. This confuses and bedazzles men and they act as such. My female pals, usually after a couple of cosmos or vodka tonics, will admit as much and evilly cackle. Yes, those are the kind of women I hang out with.

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Women, never the weaker sex because of this advantage, play it the opposite. Oh, the downtrodden, the oppressed, the put upon! But they conquer nonetheless. Ask Kamala Harris how much she was put upon. Perhaps I should rephrase that.

Thus this Valentine’s Day we should come to new conclusions regarding the battle of the sexes. We men can stipulate to being dazed swine when it comes to attractive women and, since many of our wives and girlfriends fit that label, some of our lot deserve a bit of a waiver if they come home with Asti Spumanti and a Whitman’s Sampler on this day of days. It’s just that all the mushy stuff, combined with fact that they actually do really appreciate their women for tolerating them in the first place, tends to jangle their circuitry somewhat.

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For at the base of the thing the simple male dinosaur brain, while brilliant at many other things (Like, well, almost every technical breakthrough since the wheel and the discovery of fire), is hopelessly muddled when it comes to the fairer sex. At least some of us. Others of us know to show up on VDay with Pol Roger Brut Reserve…

…and handcrafted Swiss dark chocolates and caramels. Our day will go swimmingly, thank you very much.

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This piece was written by David Kamioner on February 14, 2021. It originally appeared in and is used by permission.

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